From The Bowels Of My Brain X

This one is for all U.S. Americans, and for people in other countries that don't have maps.

We're debuting our first Bowels sponsor in this edition of From The Bowels Of My Brain.

>> One of life's greatest joys is picking up things with your feet.

>> You can never have enough chip clips.

>> I feel better about myself after I trim my neck hair.

>> I HAVE to trim my fringanails and toenails at least once a week.

>> I wonder what I'll think about some of these bowels when I'm sixty.

>> Who am I kidding? These are all inarguable, timeless truths.

>> Following financial news daily makes you 30% less happy

>> Following political news daily makes you 90% less happy

>> Following financial and political news daily sucks all your happiness away, plus 20% of the happiness of those with whom you interact.

>> Dryer sheets as fabric softener actually work.

>> There's no such thing as normal.

>> The absolute best way to limit face wrinkles is to limit your use of any facial expressions, keep a poker face at all times.*

>> It also helps to drink lots of water and use a daily lotion with SPF.

>> Everything over a baby monitor sounds a lot worse than it actually is.

>> The little loop in the tongue of a tennis shoe is helpful.

That's all I got for ya today.

Sayonara sweeties.

*Brought to you by Lady GaGa.